meet my friend, anxiété

I’ve come to a point where I’m starting to feel at peace with my anxiety. Like maybe it makes me who I am. A nervous, constantly worried, knuckle-cracking 20 year old. I’ve also started blinking weird? Please let me know if you have also experienced weird blinking.

Anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes. Most of us know this by now because we’ve all been plagued with it since third grade, but I didn’t realize I had it myself until more recently. My understanding of anxiety was that of major panic attacks and ~the need for weed~. But I have what I now call “mini panic attacks” and being around MJ gives me even further anxiety. I just saw myself as a rule-follower. I’m what they call, um, tightly wound.

Here’s a few things that give me anxiety that definitely shouldn’t:

1. Leaving the house without a plan.
2. The idea of someone not liking my outfit.
3. The possibility of my shoes hurting in three hours.
4. The possibility of getting cold because I didn’t dress warm enough.
5. The possibility of … weather.
6. Committing to saying I like something, because what if the person I’m talking to do doesn’t like that thing? Ahhhh
7. Thinking about anxiety. This blog post is a nightmare for me.
8. A pimple that might show up because I went one night without washing my face.
9. Waking up past 9 am.
10. Spending money on dumb things that I will enjoy.
11. Not spending money on dumb things that I will enjoy.
12. Getting a headache I probably caused.
13. My shoes getting dirty.
14. Someone not understanding that cats are like not scary at all!
15. Speaking in front of more than three people at once.
16. Allowing my personality to be … my personality. Does that make sense? I don’t really care.
17. Those questions that are like “Would you get rid of this or this?” I will never pick the right one.
18. Fight scenes in movies.
19. Superheroes absolutely demolishing entire cities to save like one person.
20. Someone else getting anxiety. Omg especially if it’s because of something I did. Just get rid of me at that point.
21. I should probably stop this list now or it will go on forever.

I’m not totally sure why I’m writing this, but I hope it shows that almost anything can be a point of anxiety for someone. It’s not weird for something to stress you out and you don’t have to pretend it’s fine if it’s not. Don’t suffer through it, but don’t hide it either. I feel like getting weirdly stressed out about these things and being somewhat open about it has helped my friends understand me better and it has definitely helped me figure out how to help myself. And that’s usually with dessert foods. Feels super millennial of me to be like “Ice cream saves all LOL!” but … what if it does.

I leave you with this image of a tiled pig in the subway.